It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
.. do you even science?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.