UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I hope it’s French Onion!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
seems fine
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m about to risk it all
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.