Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.