I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Kids, do not try this at home!
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
S M O L
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.