12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
This is my emotional support knife.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again