Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.