Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I have so many questions.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”