“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
This rocks
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”