A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
happy mother’s day❤️
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.