How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
What
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes