[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You Might Also Like
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.