My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i