Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Y’all know who you are.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems