The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.