No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
what are they serving at kfc then???
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I would like even faster food.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!