The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.