Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
You Might Also Like
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*