Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Always
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.