[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.