My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
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Me: umbrella
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
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(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
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ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”