I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Thursday Thought.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?