My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
You Might Also Like
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
They got a point!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.