Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩