Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
get you a girl who
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably