half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Always the camel, never the toe.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences