My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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Easy enough.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Super Hand Dog Face
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.