Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
You Might Also Like
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I am yelling