Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My daily affirmation
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
When someone trying to leave me
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.