Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*