My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
6: are snakes just neck?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening