U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Okay me first
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme