I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Sunday
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?