My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
you will never know the true number of layers
Born to be mild.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.