55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”