This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Left at a local drug store…