Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.