If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.