Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*