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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
live long and prosper!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.