Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
You Might Also Like
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day