The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer