No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did