“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
why am I working on Labor Day
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end