The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“I wouldn’t.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot