My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son