me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Smells like a challenge to me
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
who wants to go expliring
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.