Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You Might Also Like
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?