Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.