Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
This raises questions
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.