I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
You Might Also Like
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
stop
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If snakes were wide
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.